It Hurts Me More

Nothing makes you more of a parenting expert than when you're expecting your first child. You tsk tsk parents screaming uncontrollably at their children. You vow never to spank your child. You vow never to scream, or be unreasonable. Simply put, you think you'll be the best damn parents the world has ever seen. Once that baby comes though, reality begins to set in and you realize that parenting is an ever evolving philosophy. Cry it out tonight but maybe not tomorrow. No cookies right now but sure, you can have some later. Climb all over the dog now, yelling "nice to Digby" later. You get what I mean.

One area that has been getting some discussion in our house these days is the issue of discipline. When Grace was a wee baby, this thought never even crossed our minds because, after all, she was perfect. But now that she's reached the ripe old age of 16 months, seems she's sowing her oats a bit. In as much as a 16-month-old can understand "no," Grace does. If you tell her not to do something, she largely listens. But what happens when she doesn't listen? We hands down do not agree in spankings. First of all, the American Academy of Pediatricians is strongly (and I mean strongly) against it. How do you teach a child something is wrong by inflicting pain on them? More often than not it provides parents an outlet for anger than it does an effective disciplinary instrument. I know some readers are rolling their eyes right now at this but it's where we stand now and like I said, parenting is an ever evolving philosophy.

So we've settled on the "time out punishment." We got to use it for the first time last night. When Grace finishes dinner she believes everyone else should be done too and throws a fit if you don't immediately play with her. Considering it takes me half my dinner time to make sure she is eating, I was not ready to leave the table. After lots of "no's" and "mommy is eating," Grace hit me. I took a deep breath, held her hand firm and said loudly and clearly "no hitting." Then she did it again. The next minute was a like an out of body experience. I looked at my husband who nodded and I took Grace over and sat her on the step where she burst into terrible hysterics. She jumped up and I put her right back down and said "time out." Oh she sobbed and sobbed, and sobbed some more. After 4 seconds I couldn't take the screams anymore. I turned to her and said "OK, timeout over." She ran sobbing into my arms. She clung to me so hard that the only thing I could think was, "She thought I didn't love her." I held back some of my own sobs.

We talked about it later and we 100% agreed the timeout was the thing to do. We don't tolerate hitting and she had crossed a line. Best to nip this stuff in the bud. I never understood why parents always say it hurts me more than it hurts you. I actually never believed it. But now I know how true it is. The sobs, the look on her face, the ferocity with which she clung to me made me realize how much our children ache for our love. To withdraw that love, or perhaps "hide" it might be a better word, is as an intense a punishment as there is. Right now, imagine your parents not loving you. Now imagine the worst spanking you got as a kid. Which one would you take? Uh-huh. I thought so. I realize this is but a very small step in our parenting journey but it was one I don't think I'll ever forget.