Getting to Know All About You

At Luke's 8 week check up, I was concerned that he wasn't smiling as much as Grace had at the same age. Smiles are actually a major developmental sign and a lack of them can signal a serious problem. Of course as I asked the pediatrician about this, Luke decided to show off his finest smiles and we laughed as he explained it's a personality thing. Some babies smile nonstop while others need lots of work to get even the hint of a smile. In hindsight, it seems like a silly question to have asked given that I apparently gave birth to Guy Smilie. But the pediatrician's observation on baby's personalities and that they show them so young got me thinking.

As new parents, we naively presumed that babies are tabula rassas just waiting for wonderful life experiences to shape and mold who they become. We've since learned that so much of who babies are is buried somewhere deep inside them and their little personalities make themselves known long before they can talk, walk, and communicate.

Luke is beginning to reveal his cards. For one, he's incredibly charming. In the mornings, he awakes peacefully. While Grace bellows from her crib "TRICK OR TREAT," Luke coos peacefully while patiently awaiting someones arrival. When I stick my head in his crib, he thrashes his head to and fro trying to find the source of the voice. It's really a comedy of errors as I turn my head one way, and he the other. When we eventually sync up, I see the smile begin in his eyes and then explode like fireworks as it travels to his lips, arms, and legs. He coos away as he mightily pumps all his limbs and then buries his head in my shoulder.

He's also decided he will simply not miss a moment of this family's life--including mealtime. Why he wants to be included in mealtime is unclear to me. If I had my way, I'd chose to be in another room--make that another country- as we screech at Grace to face forward, stop playing, stop gagging, sit still, etc. But Luke screams from his swing until one of us plops him in our lap and he happily watches the drama unfold.

What's become really interesting is watching Grace's personality reveal itself. Anyone who has spent any time with Grace knows she can be a character. The kid is funny, headstrong, and every bit as charming as her brother. Grace has her moments that can push me over the edge but since she's started school, I've had the chance to meet many more two year olds than I ever have before and it's clear to me she's a good kid. Not that two year olds can be "bad" but some are just more difficult than others.

Grace does not hit or bite. When a little boy hit her recently she looked shocked and confused. I felt so, so bad for her. The look of hurt and confusion was just overwhelming. I truly believe she is not aggressive with other kids because it's part of her personality. I've watched her from a distance at the school playground and have seen the pained and sympathetic look on her face when another kid gets hurt. She's tried to hug her hurting friends and, as best she can, tries to tell me it made her "sad" when someone fell down.

If anything, Grace, much like Digby, is aggressively friendly. I've seen her grab another "friend" by the hand as they giggle their way down the slide. When she enters the playground she announces loudly "hi friends" and when she leaves, she says "bye friends." Because to Grace, everyone is her friend. I wish all kids were like that. But they're not.

I wish I could take credit for these personality traits. And to a certain extent, I do. Roll your eyes if you must but we do not spank in our house. We don't believe that it's ok for one party to hit but not the other. I constantly stress compassion and gentleness (especially with Luke). The month of August can be a difficult month for my family. When Grace found me crying one day she hugged me and patted my back saying "so k mommy." As much as that's imitation, that's also Grace.

Somewhere, buried deep in our children's makeup, are their personalities. And one of the most amazing gifts they give us, is, over the course of many years, revealing just how beautiful and complicated they are.