I've Got Nuthin

It's my blog and I can cry if I want to. . .

We're sick--again. It's been at least a month of either being sick or recovering from being sick. Sometimes the recovery is even worse than being sick--getting sleep back on track, less TV, less holding, less attention by mommy, catching up on laundry, cleaning, appointments, organizing. I had high hopes for a nice quiet weekend and getting some things done--including some mommy time.
I had planned on going to the mall by myself to get some new jeans. Mine are in bad shape but have you tried trying on multiple pairs of jeans with 2 kids in a dressing room? This would be why I've inadvertently mooning people for the past 2 months. . .

But Luke's cold when right down hill this weekend and has turned into a respiratory thing. Saturday night was virtually sleepless and for the past two days his temp has hovered under 104 at the end of the day. He's clingy, whiny, and angry. I have a less intense version of this and I know he must be miserable because there were times this weekend I just wanted to curl up and be angry too.

I have no reason to believe this is anything more than a bad virus and it will soon pass. Luke has been glued to my hip and has a heart attack if I leave the room. When trying to shower this morning he screamed so intensely it set off another round of uncontrollable coughing--at least a warm shower was running and that helped. But no shower for me. So now I'm bitter. And smelly.

It's hard when they're sick. Your heart breaks to see your kids struggling but at the same time it's so damn frustrating not to get any distance between you and them. It's almost as if the entire power dynamic has shifted and the kids are totally running the show. It's hard if not impossible to give a time out when they feel so crummy (and pretty unfair). But what do you do when they wing a matchbox car at your head when trying to change them? Or they smack your face because you won't give them more cookies (Luke's new favorite demand). You put them down and walk away. And then he coughs uncontrollably screaming mommy and you pick him back up because that's what a good mom does. It's hard to be the good mom sometimes. Sure I try and set up boundaries, get myself a break but this is just in the job description and as much as I scream in my head "I need a god damn break," I find myself running right back in when I hear the cough to pick up and comfort. Lest anyone think my husband doesn't help or is absent from this, he's not. He's right there next to me putting out fires, helping when Luke doesn't push him away, and dealing with Grace who's not oblivious to the amount of attention her brother is getting.

Running has come to a halt for now. I may try this afternoon if I think Luke will nap but I'm not optimistic and my nose is really gross today. Tom did really try to get me the time this weekend but I've been so exhausted (physically and emotionally) I needed to just nap and save up for the next round. I'm glad I started training for Broad Street nice and early because I still have plenty of time. I know I still want to run but I'm also content to let it sit until I'm ready to have fun with it again and not do it out of obligation.

I feel like baking today--as I always do when Rome is burning. I just haven't decided what to bake. We just ran through a batch of chocolate chip cookies in no time and I have a hankering for oatmeal raisin but no one else seems to like my beloveds. . . . Does anyone watch Lidia's Table on PBS? It's my new favorite cooking show since getting rid of cable. I'm thinking of getting one of her books because she makes everything look so simple and comforting. I need her to come cook for me this week. Maybe mac and cheese for dinner tonight? Nothing like food to comfort in tough times.