Only The Lonely

This was the first week of school for Grace and Luke. Grace goes M,W,F from 9:30-12 and Luke goes W,F from 9:30-11:30. Grace did beautifully this week. While a little meepy at drop off, she always rebounded and was thrilled to see me at pick up. What she does all morning is a bit of a mystery. Seems she suffers from short term memory loss and can't possbily remember much of her morning.

Grace and Luke's school is a co-op. In return for lower tuition, parents volunteer to be helpers in the classroom. This is a great opportunity to confirm your kid is not a weirdo and, in fact, there are even stranger kids out there than your own. When we went in 2 weeks ago for meet the teacher, I had to pick my days. Much to my chagrin all of September and October was booked--except for one day. Yup, the first day of school for the 2's. You should have seen the cold sweat break out on me. Shit. . .

So in I went with Luke on Wednesday. One couple who has a daughter in Grace's class and a daughter in the 2's yelled they'd be buying me dinner. I laughed and thought how bad could it be? And then I heard it--all the way outside--a room full of screaming children.

Luke was hesitant to enter the class, as was I. He had a look on his face that said "WTH is going on here???" I'm sure I did too. Everywhere I turned someone was crying. Scratch that--SCREAMING. A room full of 8 screaming 2-year-olds who all wanted their moms. At one point I had a kid on each hip and the teacher had a kid on each hip. Luke came up to me SCREAMING. I said Lukie--what is the matter? And he sobbed "My don't know!" LOL!

Just when we would get one quieted down, another would erupt and like dominoes, they all fell down. We tried to get them going on a craft thinking it might distract them. No one wanted to do it except for Bailey. In fact, it was the only time she quieted down. Can you keep a secret? I wrote the kid's names on each paper and she did their craft. Yup. Eager parents picked up their kids' crafts and ooed and aaahed over them. I know how much I like to see their crafts so I figured it would be our little secret. Shhhh. . . .

People have been amazed when I relate this story. They feel pity and say "poor you." I appreciate the pity but really it was very, very sad for the kids. I love being a SHAM. Wouldn't trade it for the world. But we've felt it is important to expose our children to other kids and other adults. I feel there is a value in this even if it means some initial sadness. I can gurantee, most of the kids will be fine by next week.

Today was Luke's first day solo. I dropped Grace first who seemed fine but then turned around and wrapped herself around my legs like a boa constrictor. All the while Luke is screaming he wants to go to his room. Grace's teacher eased her off my leg and I pretty much ran out after a quick hug, kiss, and I love you.

I dropped Luke and he sat down to play cars. I said I was leaving and I'd see him soon. "K mommy." Really? That's it? You don't want to kick and scream? I said goodbye again knowing full well I was playing with fire. Luke didn't even look up. "K mommy." Anne gave me the nod towards the door and off I went. With no children. And a heavy heart.

I sat in my car and cried a little bit. I asked myself the same question I had asked Luke on Wednesday. Why are you crying? And, curiously, I arrived at the same conclusion. I don't know. It was very overwheling and difficult to process. There was no "woohoo moment-I'm free!" More confusion, sadness, and some guilt. I decided to head off to Target and turned on the radio.

I sometimes listen to the oldies channel because the songs are innocent enough and fun to sing to. Fittingly, Roy Orbison's "Only the Lonely" came on. I was doing fine, thought it was funny that song came on--until the line "There goes my baby, there goes my heart" and I lost it again.

So surely someone of must be saying--Jen-if it's so hard, why not keep them home? I could but I think the hard part of being a parent sometimes is making decisions for your children's best interest--not your own. Grace loved school since she was 2. It's made her independent and eager to try new things and meet new people. And it's silly of me to be so mopey since I get something out of this too. shopping by myself was so luxurious. If not lonely. But when I picked them up, everyone was so excited to see me. I guess a part of me feels like I'm being replaced--just a little bit. To concede caregiving--even if it's just a little bit--is hard for me. But this is part of growing up. For Grace and Luke and for me.

I spent the morning feeling sad, a little guilty, and a little meepy too. As much as Grace wrapped her arms around me, I had wanted to wrap my arms around her. I'm trying to avoid sounding cliche here but the transition is something that we're all going to have to go through. Of course the transition is always eased with a little shopping, some flowers, a box of wine, and big hugs and screeches of "mommy" when I pick them up. Those really rock my world.