Dr. Mom

When we were expecting, many friends and family offered advice on staying at home verses working. I quickly discovered that much like any parenting decision you decide to make public--breastfeeding or formula, co-sleeping or crib, working or staying at home--everyone has an opinion on it and they're more than happy to share it with you. My friend Janet gave me great advice at the time regarding these choices. Make a decision and don't let anyone question you on it or you'll spend your whole parenting career defending every choice you make. While I heeded this advice on most parenting decisions, there was one that kept nagging at me--my decision to stay home with Grace.

I assumed that once the baby arrived and we had all settled in, I would begin to think about doing some kind of work. But as the weeks turned into months, and the months, a year, I really didn't feel my heart moving in that direction. Part of the problem was sheer burn out from completing my dissertation after 10 frustrating years. I wasn't thrilled to get back into that which I had come to loathe. But I was really uncomfortable saying to people, "I'm a stay at home mom." This became especially difficult as friends who had babies around the same time all headed back to work. Seriously--I was at playgroups organized by moms so their nannies could get out with the kids. Not really the dynamic I was looking for. But I reminded myself that we were lucky. I'm sure many of those moms would have given their right arms to be able to be there with their kids. We were fortunate in that I never made any money to speak of so not having a second income was no big deal. But I found it hard to explain why I had worked so hard for a Ph.D. to just let it sit there. I sometimes found it hard to explain to myself but I knew deep down it was what I wanted.

I'm reluctant to say I'm taking x-years off so I remained active in a few historical associations just to keep some doors open. This past weekend I journeyed to scenic Pittsburgh for a conference and switched out my mommy hat for my Ph.D. hat. This was an exceptionally weird experience for me. One, you can't wear sweatpants to the panels and I'm sure they'd frown if I did not shower. Two, we didn't talk about Blue's Clues or Teletubbies. We talked social theory, power dynamics, giving voice to others and a bunch of other historical b.s. This was pretty hard for me given that on most days I have difficulty even completing a sentence. Three, people asked me the inevitable question, "So Jen--what have you been up to?"

For the first time since Grace was born, I could answer them straight on. I said I was teaching part time in the spring, thinking about writing a book, and loving being at home with Grace. The vast majority of my colleagues seemed to like that response and if they didn't, they kept their mouths shut. Nobody said, "Hey Jen--that's great. What a brave decision you're making." Or, "Hey Jen--that's a tough decision and I have a lot of respect for what you're doing." Then again, I knew not to go looking for affirmation from a profession that routinely made me question my intellectual abilities during ten long years of grad school.

I enjoyed the conference but, ironically, didn't sleep particularly well despite having a silent room. I called a few times a day to check in and see how everyone was doing and everyone was getting by just fine. I felt guilty leaving Grace but I also knew how much her dad looked forward to their alone time and think it's important they get to have that time together sans mom. I was pretty lonely at the end of my days. I missed my girl (and my husband) and was dying to get home. Of course it didn't help that my flight was seriously late getting in. It did give me time to buy Grace a giant stuffed bear to assuage some of my guilt. I was too late to see Grace (she was in bed) and when I saw her Sunday morning, she took my breath away. She had changed so much in the two days I was gone. Her front teeth had finally come all the way in and her face looked so much older. My heart just melted and I realized how much I missed her goofy 4-tooth smile.

But two days away, in the big scheme of things, is no big deal. In a sense, I felt energized when I returned. Sometimes I forget that in addition to being a mommy, I'm a historian and a pretty good one at that. It's good to be reminded of this even if it does send my head spinning about who I am, what I'm doing, and where I go from here. In the meantime, I keep all my doors open, cross bridges when I have to, and enjoy watching my girl grow up right before my eyes.